Is it love or guilt?

Carlen asked: how do you know if you’re operating out of guilt or love?

Great question! I remember listening to a comedian talk about how much he hated church because all they talked about was guilt, guilt, guilt! Guilt is a nagging voice that says, “I can’t believe you’re doing ____, you know you should be doing _____, because if you’re doing _____ you’re a bad person and God doesn’t like you.” This example is a pretty strong guilt trip. Guilt reminds us how bad we are and then uses some form of pressure to get us to do something different. It’s easy for Christians to fall into guilt because we know about our sin. It’s easy to focus on our sin instead of focusing on God and what He’s done for us. When we do good deeds because we don’t want to be seen as sinful, that’s acting out of guilt. When we act because we want God, or someone else, to like us more that’s guilt. Guilt tells us we’re not good enough and we need to try harder.

If we’re trying hard because we’ll receive something in return for our efforts we’re not acting out of love; we’re operating for a reward. The two Greek words used to talk about Christian love are agape and philos. Agape is self-less love, as in it doesn’t operate for a reward: it operates out of a desire to benefit someone else. Philos is brotherly love. Brotherly meaning, love between equals. When we love someone, we should not love them out of pity, this is condescending kindness. Nor should we love someone because they are better than us, this becomes worship and favor seeking. True love recognizes an equality with the person being loved, and loves without expecting a reward.

When we get an excited tingly feeling about doing something for someone, that’s love. When we feel shame, anxiety and panic when doing something for someone, that’s guilt.

Guilt tears us down, but love builds us up. A simple question to ask ourselves when evaluating guilt or love, “Do I enjoy doing this?” I’ve done things because I’ve had the ‘talent’, but in truth I didn’t enjoy what I was doing, I was just doing it out of a sense of obligation and duty. I burned out. Love doesn’t burn out, but guilt most definitely will.

Carlen also asked: At what point are you helping too much and are standing in God’s way?

When we help someone too much, they usually let us know. If they don’t verbalize their feelings, we can often see them in a person’s tone and body language. When our desire to help comes from guilt and pity, we miss out on doing the right amount of helping. Guilt and pity are self-centered; we feel like we have to be seen doing some activity in order for things to be set right or we have to do the action and can’t let someone else step in and help.

Here are a few good question to ask ourselves when questioning our own motives, “Am I doing this to be seen and get some kind of credit? Am I doing this because I know better than the other person? Would I be okay if someone else took my place, and did what I want to do? Have I asked the other people involved if this is how they want to be helped?" Most of the time we have good intentions when trying to help someone out. The best way to help someone is to listen first, then take action. Often times people want to be heard and don’t need us to do anything more.

When we’re keeping score of how much we’re helping other people, we’re probably getting in the way. Score keeping is a sure way to know whether we’re doing something for ourselves, or doing it for God.

Carlen’s final question: Is it possible to get in [God’s] way?

Yes! I love this question and I love answering in the affirmative because most of the time we all try and get in God’s way. Most leaders in the Bible questioned what God wanted to do and tried to put a stop to it. One of my favorite examples is the time Jesus plainly told the disciples he was going to suffer and die. Peter pulled him aside and started to rebuke him! We often want to substitute a picture of how things should happen, instead of asking God how to be a part of the picture. We put our motives and desires first, instead of listening to God and doing things His way. Jesus response to Peter is simple, “Get behind me Satan!” Peter literally stood in front of Jesus and tried to stop him. But God cannot be stopped. Even if we try and tell him we know better.

I love the proverb “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” This means that even though there’s much we’d like to do, God has a way of accomplishing His purposes in spite of ourselves. God also lets us know when we’re getting in the way. Jesus didn’t just sit and listen to Peter, he told Peter flat out that Peter was wrong. Jesus used that moment to teach the disciples and the crowd about the selfless nature of God’s kingdom. Laying down our self-centered ways is difficult, but one of the best ways to lay ourselves down is by talking to God.

Jesus didn’t hold a grudge against Peter for not grasping God’s kingdom. In fact, Jesus continued to work with Peter and raised him up to become one of the most influential founders of the church. We need to talk to God when we don’t understand. We need to ask questions in order to learn. Too often we pursue a self-centered plan of action instead of stopping to evaluate ourselves.

We are all sinners saved by grace; this is what makes us saints. Not that we have become perfect, but that we continue to seek God through our stumbling. There’s a fancy theological word for this called sanctification. Sanctification is the process through which we learn to act out the kingdom of God. There’s no timeline for sanctification. Life is our timeline. When we reach heaven sanctification will be complete. Until then, continue repenting heathen sinner! Or wait… was that a guilt trip?