What I learned about church post college Part I: Hurting

It’s taken me the better part of 3 years to understand and undertake this writing. I haven’t approached this subject in extended written form during this time, because of my frustrations with what’s transpired. Sometimes we don’t have the words to express what we want to say, even though we have the need to say something. I haven’t said much about it in the past, in part because I knew if I tried to tell the story it wouldn’t make sense to me; there was too much that transpired in too short a period of time. Too much anger, too much hurt and not enough grace for the very fallible people who lead the church.

Why now?

I am on the verge of moving into a church as a leader. This possibility scares me, because I know and understand church leadership to be a very delicate thing. I know what its failures feel like, having seen and experienced them first hand. Before I can lead, I need to confront my fears about leading and those fears come from past experiences.

Additionally, I am in a place with my study of God that I must confront the past. I’ve been reading the prophets for too long and too intensely to ignore their ability to confront the church. Their ability to confront did not diminish their desire for the church to be whole. I’ve learned a lot simply reading their stories. I believe readers need to know this. That the study of the Bible has moved and convicted my heart to look back and bring healing to what have been very dark days. That I have found the courage to speak, even though I desired to remain silent and let it go. I cannot in good conscious continue to remain silent, as I believe God calls us to speak up, even when we are afraid of the end results.

Having found my inner calm, I am ready to share. Like any good story it has a prologue.

4 years of service

When I first arrived at college, my goal was to find a church and get plugged in. It took a few weeks, and I ended up at a Baptist Church two blocks south of campus. This old church had a lot of grey hairs and was very concerned about its diminishing size. They wanted something more. This place made me feel welcome, like I belonged and so it was there I stayed, through thick and thin.

As I was a ministry major I quickly became involved in the youth ministry, only to discover that while youth were showing up, the leadership of the youth wasn’t. It had fallen apart and a power vacuum existed of who was going to lead. As a freshman who was brand new to the situation I wasn’t interested in leading the show. I knew I didn’t have the time to make it work, even though I knew what a good youth ministry looked like. Our youth didn’t exactly fit that picture. Neither did we. By the end of the first semester, someone had stepped up to fill the gap, but they weren’t in line with the leadership of the church, so the leadership left. When second semester started I looked around, saw two other students who were still engaged and we asked ourselves, “should we let this die?” Our answer was no. Letting it go was not an option. Even though we lack skill we made up for it in prayer and dialogue. Lots of prayer. I mean lots of prayer! We prayed before the meeting started, we prayed during it and we got together afterward to pray again. It was hard, but by the end of that year we were the leaders and we had formed a somewhat solid relationship with the youth.

Over the summer the head pastor left. The next year we three came back and picked up where we left off. Although we prayed less urgently, because our need was less obvious, we still made progress. I don’t remember when, but at some point we got one of the greatest assets to our team: a southern Baptist minister. His specialty wasn’t youth, but his heart was for people to know Christ. So, rather imperfectly we pursued that end.

We explored options, continued talking with each other about the youth and set about to try and build a program with not much more than a handful of volunteers and an extremely limited budget. Did I mention it was an extremely limited budget? We set about building a program and we were making good progress; we were learning along the way.

In our fourth year the church hired a new pastor. I wasn’t always a fan of his preaching, but he was never shy about preaching the truth. For that he had my respect. He didn’t agree with the methods the Southern Baptist minister was using with our youth. The disagreement led to my friend and mentor leaving the program. At that moment I knew I had a choice to make. For 3 and a half years we had been building into the youth that we were going to be there for them, that unlike the leaders from our first year we were not going to leave. And so on principle I stayed, to finish what we had started when we didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into.

At the end of our time, my graduation, I was looking for work. I was told that despite my commitment the church was looking to go in a different direction. That was all. That was frustrating. That hurt. That someone could walk in, not take the time to understand what we had been building or get to know us and dismiss our work in a desire for a new direction. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. I left that church hurt, but I knew I had achieved what I set out to accomplish. Being present and consistent while I was a part of the town.

Graduation

The fun part of graduation is the pride everyone has in what you’ve achieved. The part that sucks is you’re now a college graduate and some people don’t think very highly of college graduates, especially those with specialties in youth ministry. I had amassed what I thought was great experience and a surefire way of getting into any church I desired. So I focused on where I wanted to go, and where I wanted to get plugged in. After a summer of trying to set dates and make contact (and receiving terrible customer service in the process) I had nothing to show for my efforts.

The Summer

I spent a second year as an overnight camp counselor in Indiana. I was a special needs counselor this time around, and was ready for anything. Or so I thought. I spent three and a half weeks working with a very special needs child and I didn’t take care of myself in the process. I was determined that my charge was going to have the best weeks of his life. I was going to MAKE it work for him. I was his last chance counselor; if I couldn’t do it he would go home. That wasn’t an option. It took all of my strength to make sure this happened. My charge had a great summer. He went home happy with the biggest smile on his face and tons of wonderful memories. I went home bittersweet, exhausted and burnt out. And without future employment.

The Letdown

My parents had moved away from our home base in Washington and were now living in Idaho. While there I became familiar with a movement of Christianity that couldn’t train its pastors through colleges and seminaries. It was odd to think that I had more of an education at a younger age than most of their ministers would ever have. What they lacked in degrees they made up for in experience and communal awareness. I respected their work, even though I was frustrated when they mocked academics and higher learning. Although when my parents brought this up the church leaders stopped doing it. It’s one thing to make a mistake, it is another to be humble enough to admit it and make a change. For their efforts at change, these men had my respect. That, and they didn’t let their lack of formal education stop them from preaching the truth. The truth is just as relevant no matter how educated the person is. I thought about being a part of this movement, but there were no opportunities for someone with my experience.

During this time it became clear that my family would have to move again. At this time the church in Washington I had been in contact with finally gave me the time of day. They wanted me on the very day my parents needed me most. I heard my ‘dream’ calling, the dream of serving in the state I wanted.

I turned them down.

I turned them down because their customer service sucked. I turned them down because they had ignored me for 4 months. I turned them down because they were offering me a chance opportunity that conflicted with the stark reality of my parent’s need. I turned them down because I wanted no part in a gospel that doesn’t work itself out through tangible experiences. I turned them down. I watched what I had wanted most, had labored four years to get, die within arm’s reach. So much for four years of sacrifice and a summer of exhausting service.

At this time my expectations of the church became thin. I was sorting through what I knew to be true and what I experienced. I was extremely disappointed with church leadership in at least two denominations.

The purveying negative attitude I envisioned said, “We don’t need young educated people and we’re not really interested in using you, unless you come when we say come, do as we think is right, do what we tell you to do and do it without you having to tell us what you think.” We wonder why the 20-30 year olds are leaving the church. It’s not a secret, it’s because we told we’re not valuable unless we’re doing what someone else believes is right.

That’s my bitterness talking.

Even after a few years bringing this back up still makes me angry. I still feel bitter. But even so I cling to the idea of church and still attend church because I know what I’ve experienced isn’t the truth. That’s not who the church is supposed to be and I’ve experienced better, even though I’ve never experienced perfect. I don’t believe perfect exists, but I do believe in the existence of good churches.

So this is part one of at least one more part. This part could be called “The Hurting” the next part should be called, “Healing” and the final part, “Restoration”. Or at least something along those lines, I don’t know because I haven’t written them yet. And I completely reserve the right to revise and change the scope of my writing as I see fit.

Halftime wake up call

(As our team files into the locker room heads are hanging. The team knows we are capable of doing more than what we delivered in the first half of the game. We've won numerous games, but are currently on a losing streak. The attitude in the room says, 'we don't know what's wrong and don't know what to do differently," from my observations on the sideline I know our primary problem is lethargy. We have great talent, but are playing like we have none.)

That wasn't our best half. It wasn't bad because we aren't capable, it's bad because we're half asleep. We're not playing inspired. I know how hard you work in practice; I've seen the effort each of you gives when we ask for it. I'm asking for it now. I'm asking you to look deep down inside of yourself and find the fire I know is there. You wouldn't still be here if you didn't have that fire.

How do you bring it out? That's the question most of you are wondering. That's the question that's holding us back. It starts by not comparing ourselves to who we've been, but fixing our eyes on who we want to be, and then playing like that person.

I don't want you to focus on the other team. Whether they show up to play or not isn't important, but how we play is. We can play the best team in the world or the worst team ever and I expect you to play the same: with all your heart. It's not about them it's about us.

I don't want you to compare yourself to the person on your left or your right. I want you to compare yourself to the image you want to become. We can get distracted when our motivation only comes from the people next to us. We can lock ourselves into a trap of losing by pointing out how the people around us aren't good enough. The people around us aren't important, our attitudes and the effort we choose to give is. We can control our own attitudes and efforts, we can't control those of our teammates. We have the choice to play inspired, or let others dictate how we're going to play. Choose right now, how you want to play, and play that way for the rest of the game. Regardless of what happens.

There have been some great players on our team, the great things they have done are not over and done with, they can happen again. They can happen because we choose to play like the person who inspired them. Let me tell you about the actions of those former players,

"who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword."

The world was not worthy of these men and women. These are the people who've gone before you. These are the people who chose to raise up their heads at the challenge and not back down. These are the people who made our team what it is and they are still shaping us today.

Do not be discouraged, for God is with us. Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart full of faith. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Fix your eyes on God, let Him give you the courage and fire you need to win this fight.

Stand up. Hands in. Let's go back out there and show them what our faith can do.

Faith like Fitness

The more I learn about the fitness industry: what it takes to run a successful gym, be a personal trainer or group exercise instructor, the more I learn what it means to be Christian. This sounds like heresy, but it is founded on a statement of Carl Rogers, psychologist, sociologist and founder of client-centered therapy: "Everyone is in need of healing." The Greek word for healing is the same word for salvation. Churches often count how many people have been "saved/healed/come to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior". The more I pursue health, AKA 'healing' the more I come to know Christ. It is reasonable to say the practical goal of the church is health; therefore the practical goal of Christians is to build healthy lives through Christ. Successful organizations incorporate principles of health and healing into their everyday practices. The goal of a fitness organization is to transform the physical health of their members, which then transforms emotional and mental health. Churches do this the other way around. At the end of the day the order is not what's important, but how we arrive at and practice health is very important. I'd like to share a few of the healthy principles I've learned in the fitness industry, and then take a look at how they play out as the church.

Principle 1- Challenge them to grow
Great Group Exercises classes engage everyone in the room. Finding the right blend for participants in class is tough, but do-able.

I used to attend a class named, "Sports Conditioning" this class had young, old, unfit and very fit. The regularly scheduled instructor did a good job of challenging the whole class, coming up with new exercises and modulating intensity. She was great. One day they brought in a sub. She focused on the elderly and didn't make the class challenging. At all. Her focus on a few left the rest of us wanting more. People need a reason to stay. If they've already met your goals and standards, and there's nothing more to teach them, they will get bored, stop coming or go to another class with higher expectations.

Principle 2- Encourage growth, don't force it
An odd thing happens when an instructor leads a class: people do what you say, regardless if they're capable. Asking for the right level of fitness out of participants is make or break.

If we say, "everyone needs to do flying-burpee-jacks" 90% of the class will give it a try. Which may single people out who have no idea what a flying-burpee-jack is. Regardless of the move, there are plenty of steps, variations and options to get people to do what you want them to. Saying, "we will all do this, at the intensity I want" is a great way to burn people out, not recognize people who are giving their best efforts and destroy people's confidence in the fitness they've been pursuing. If a class continually reminds people they are not fit enough, they will get discouraged and leave. It's okay to set high goals, but people need additional help along the way. A smiling and encouraging face with a modification or two along the way never hurts.

Principle 3- Nurture relationships
Get to know who's in your class, including their previous physical activities and injuries.

If a lot of the people in your class have wrist problems push-ups might be a bad idea. Even if you love push-ups. The goal of participants coming to class is to help them build health, not make them hurt from practicing your favorite methods. If you know two or three people have the same issue, makes sure you include a modification so they feel included in the class activities. One of the driving forces behind group exercise is making people feel included. Personal skills go a long way, but the substance of your methods needs to fit the needs of your people. If your substance doesn't take into account what makes them hurt, or makes them feel like they can't attempt what you're asking, then they will assume your class is not for them. Your class is for them, just make sure your methods align with what you know about them, and never stop learning about who is in your class.

Principle 4- Refresh yourself and study new methods
Instructing can get boring, especially if you're doing the same thing over and over and over again. Everyone needs to explore new ways of doing the same old thing.

A bored teacher is one who is no longer excited about what they do. The best way to get excited again is to go out and see what other people are doing, modify it, and then bring it back and teach it your way. I'll never forget a class I tried called Chi-Force. It was a body weight movement class that incorporated a lot of mobility, planks, squats, punches and other movements. It was very refreshing to find new ways of doing the same old plank, but most importantly I learned something brand new about striking. Striking with an open palm not only strengthens the wrists, but it also engages the anterior deltoid. I would have never discovered that truth had I not attended that class. It's a feeling and technique I'll never forget, and still gets me excited today.

Principle 5- Do it yourself
When it comes to leading others in class, whatever you ask them to do, you must be capable of demonstrating, explaining and doing.

You need to know what you're asking them to do, how intense it is, and for how long they can do it. This means you need to study and practice your methods, skills and modifications before you step into the classroom. You won't be able to gauge how well everyone will respond to what you're asking, but if you can show them how to do it, then they will be much more likely to try and succeed. Your greatest tool in the group exercise world is not a piece of equipment, it is your own body, knowledge of how it works and what it takes to get your body where it is. You may not be able to do every method as well as you'd like, but you need to know what its like to try, to succeed and how to modify your moves.


On a national scale, churches in America are declining, the question I see posed in many an article asks, "why?" My simple answer is, "we're not doing it right" and by 'it' I mean practicing as the body of Christ. We lose out when we focus on one age demographic or season of life. We lose out when we get upset with lack of growth, pull out the most difficult passages of scripture and flaunt them to show how little we do what Jesus did. We preach blanket messages, not thinking about the people in the pews, their struggles or the factors in their lives. We forget to take time for ourselves, slow down, learn new methods and teach them our way. We forget that Jesus message was not simply to pick up a proverbial cross, but to pick up a physical cross. Our lifestyle is supposed to have a very tangible, visible and touchable impact. This burden is not heavy, but light, although its impossible to carry without His strength.

I recognize the generic nature of my statements, and the bluntness of my words. I recognize that many churches are hurting. Yet I know there are some churches stuck in their ways refusing to change. Christ offers healing to one, but the sword to the other. For those who are unfamiliar with the sword Christ wields, let me explain. I cannot in good conscious read Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel and always refer to Jesus as kind, loving and compassionate. He is those things, but He is more. Ezekiel had a vision about the destruction of Jerusalem that drives this point home.

'Then I heard him call out in a loud voice, "Bring the guards of the city here, each with a weapon in his hand, And I saw six men coming from the direction of the upper gate, which faces north, each with a deadly weapon in his hand. With them was a man clothed in linen who had a writing kit at his side. They came in and stood beside the bronze altar.
Now the glory of the God of Israel went up from above the cherubim, where it had been, and moved to the threshold of the temple. Then the LORD called to the man clothed in line who had the writing kit at his side and said to him, 'Go throughout the city of Jerusalem and put a mark on the foreheads of those who grieve and lament over all the detestable things that are done in it.'
As I listened he said to the others, 'Follow him through the city and kill, without showing pity or compassion. Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children, but do not touch anyone who has the mark. Begin at my sanctuary." '

While there are strange images and descriptions in Ezekiel's writing, the purpose is clear: God patrols his house. He spares those who are close to him, but He doesn't tolerate those who make a mockery of His house and His name. He does not let us do whatever we want under the banner of Christianity. Christian sin is still sin.

The prophets openly preached against the abuses in God's house, but simply calling the prophets abuse caller-outers isn't fair. While we have read most of Ezekiel's vision, there's more to it we need to read. The prophets were not cold, callous and unforgiving people. Their hearts were pointed towards God for the redemption and healing of Israel.

"While they were killing and I was left alone, I fell facedown, crying out, 'Ah, Sovereign LORD! Are you going to destroy the entire remnant of Israel in this outpouring of your wrath on Jerusalem?'

Ezekiel did not want to see the people wiped out, he cried out before God, afraid that all might be lost. God's consolation to Ezekiel reflects the hardness of the people towards God.

He answered me, 'The sin of the house of Israel and Judah is exceedingly great; the land is full of bloodshed and the city is full of injustice. They say, "The LORD has forsaken the land; the LORD does not see." So I will not look on them with pity or spare them, but I will bring down on their own heads what they have done.' "

God's intention is not to wipe out His people, but to cleanse them from the rotten practices that have corrupted them. God stands against the unjust, against those who are quick to shed blood and against those who act without pity. He judges them as they have judged. The purging of Jerusalem is God setting his people right, showing them how truly wicked they had become and giving them the opportunity to repent.

Repent? Repent from what? It was more than injustice and bloodshed they were practicing.

"The visions of your prophets were false and worthless; they did not expose your sin to ward off your captivity. The oracles they gave you were false and misleading."

As leaders we need to speak the truth. The truth about the church is that we are not inspiring people to lead lives like Christ, we're asking people to be good instead. Our goodness isn't good enough. We glaze over difficult conversations because they are hard, and when we do confront we have the tendency to say, "change now or get out." Change takes time. The heart can change overnight, but the body and mind take time to mold. Too often we haven't supported those who are struggling, and too often we remain silent while we drift away from the heart of our cause. Living like Jesus. We must find the courage to confront ourselves. The courage we need dawns the closer we come to Christ, accepting all of Him, not just the parts that make us feel good. We must take a hard look at our methods, what we are asking of each other, what we are doing ourselves, how we put Christ into action, renew ourselves and move forward. We have a great opportunity to rise up from the ashes of our shortsighted practices and live as the people of God.

Tangible Truth

I fondly recall one of my good friends from college sharing her initial thoughts about my personality, "At first I thought you were an ass, then I discovered you had a heart and weren't such a jerk." That truth used to smarted, but now I can read it and laugh. People skills still aren't my forte, but like a good wine mine are still improving with age (or if they are continually getting worse I'm naively oblivious and duped by my own awesomeness). Her initial evaluation of me was based on her tangible experiences of things I had said in my classes. (Which I found odd, because I consider intellectual pursuits impersonal (except when it's my research!) requiring a side step from emotions, while attempting an objective look.) I guess what changed her perception of my ass-itudes was my dry and puny humor. Especially when my humor was so dry and my statements so obtuse that their sheer ridiculousness caused even the most callous and closed off person in the room to bust out laughing (most of the time that was me). But seriously, when you and the professor are sharing an open philosophy joke and no one else gets it, its still funny. Even though you might look like a jerk. Which helps me get to our point: why do we experience miscues, misunderstandings and miscommunications in the best of intentions? What is it in our communication that cause us to erroneously judge each other, then discover we've erroneously judged?

For starters we can look at language games. I'm not talking balderdash, scrabble or that other game that hence shall not be named where you say silly things trying to guess a silly phrase and sound like you have no clue what you're saying (yep I forgot the name of the game). I'm talking about spending time in someone's presence, learning how they communicate, and understanding why they sound like a total jerk, even though they might be nice. This game could be called, "The Art of Learning Culture" it takes a lifetime to learn how to play and the rules keep changing. Seriously, THE RULES KEEP CHANGING! One of our greatest joys is that life goes on, but sometimes it goes on without us noticing. We get distracted by our focuses: the important things in life that steal our attention from the people around us. We can get so focused on a task (developing our own way of talking about something we're discovering) that we lose out on talking with others about the rest of life. If we solely focus on one thing in life, it may consume us and hinder us from talking with others. Not talking in the sense of saying, "Hey how's it going?" But in the sense that our singular passion, that effects everything we do and is the sum total of all things we live for, drives others away because people don't know how to talk about other things with us. Until they catch a glimpse of our humanity (or sense of humor).

Why?

It's hard to understand people not like us. And by not like us I mean: play a different sport, study a different subject, come from another town (state or country), speak a different language (sprechen sie etwas anderen?), have a bigger body, have a smaller body, wear funky clothes, have funky hair or are permutatively different from us (maybe their vocabulary is one size too large). Our differences can makes us forget that we are all the same. The way we express ourselves might change and is not the same from every mountain to hill, but we are all made out of the same dust. What's amazing about our dust? It doesn't sit in the same place. It moves. It changes. It grows. It waxes. It wanes. It shows.

Our expressions of speech and the expressions of our faces are constantly changing; we are not meant to get stuck in one way of being, even though we may be meant to get stuck in a subject of study (it keeps evolving and changing the longer we spend time staring, prodding and questioning it). For example, I'm learning that the gravitational force of the sun bends light around it, not towards it. My basic understanding is floored; I thought gravity sucked. I'm not saying I'm going to study the properties of light in the universe for the rest of my life, but I am saying that the shifting of focus can help us reach new insights and keep us from becoming stagnant.

And that's exactly what humor and shared joy does, it keeps us from being stagnant and reminds us that 'others' aren't the stagnant objects in the universe we thought they were.

In the moment of a shared joke, something happens. When we decide to let our walls down and crack a smile (maybe even a giggle or two (who giggles anymore chuckles are the proper way to laugh!)), the person laughing and the person telling them joke have a shared moment of comradery. It's this moment of comradery that begins to break down our preconceived notions of who the other person is, and whether or not we can enjoy them. Because life is about joy. About finding things we love to do and pursuing them. Even though pursuing our joy takes us through some very dry and dusty places. And maybe, just maybe those asses are misunderstood nice people :)